A local couple’s attempt to spice up their sex life has not been as successful as might be hoped.
The experiment to bring a bit of kink to their love life began when local man Simon Williams asked his wife to act like a schoolgirl, at which point she smoked twenty cigarettes and swore at him, which neither found particularly erotic.
The couple decided to persevere with Simon treating his wife, Simone, as if she had been ‘very naughty indeed’.
However, after almost two hours sitting on the bottom step thinking about what she’d done, Simone failed to report any sort of arousal.
Deciding to add some roleplaying to their bedroom romps, Simon purchased every single Dungeons and Dragons book but the experiment failed when his character was slain by a dark elf before reaching the third level.
The couple declined to comment on rumours that Simon had requested Simone ‘act like a cat’, but then discovered that the gift of a dead mouse and someone unexpectedly crapping in his shoe was actually the single most unerotic experience of either of their lives.
“I just don’t get how people get off on this stuff,” Simon told us.
“But we’ve agreed to give it one last try.”
Simone has asked me to act like a policeman, so I’m going to kill ninety-six people at a football stadium.”
“If that doesn’t get her going we may as well give up.”