Playboy billionaire Bruce Wayne is nothing like as happy as you might expect that his parents have been found alive today.
The Wayne parents were believed murdered thirty years ago, but it turns out they’d actually joined the Scientologists and didn’t think to tell anyone.
Their son Bruce was apparently told they were alive while engaging in ‘private billionaire stuff’ in a gymnasium built into a cave beneath stately Wayne Manor just outside the city.
He is understood to have done nothing for some minutes except stare at the impressive selection of training gear while muttering ‘Well I’ve been wasting my fucking time then’, whatever that may mean.
He then asked his butler, Alfred Pennyworth, just to put the lot on eBay.
When asked for a statement, Mister Pennyworth described his employer as ‘a twat’ and declined to elaborate.
Initial reports suggest that Thomas and Martha Wayne are ‘not happy’ with their son who they believe has ‘loads of negative engrams’ from suppressed childhood trauma, and invited him to join them as they’re sure he’ll be much happier.