Theresa May: I’ll decide who gets human rights

author avatar by 8 years ago

Home Secretary Theresa May has made her first major speech of the EU referendum campaign and used it to recommend staying in the EU but quitting the European Convention on Human Rights.

“It is vitally important to the interests of the United Kingdom,” said a strident Mrs May.

“That I am given the power to decide who is worthy of human rights because one thing’s for sure, I’d put a stop to all this namby-pamby Euro-nonsense of ‘humans’ being entitled to human rights just because they’re humans.

“I’d have human rights; my husband will have human rights, provided he keeps the house clean and does the washing up with regularity.

“Everyone else would have to earn them.”

Mrs May then went on to clarify who definitely wouldn’t have human rights.

“Unemployed people, working class people, these layabout Junior Doctors, people who don’t vote Tory, people who do vote Tory but don’t think I should be leader, the man in the local coffee shop who takes ages making me my bloody cappuccino, people who take more than ten items to the ten items or less till, people who are precious about whether it’s ‘less’ or ‘fewer,’ and Muslims, obviously.”

The Home Secretary then went on to describe her plans to re-introduce the death penalty for murder and being cheeky to the Home Secretary