In a BBC interview to mark the Queen’s ninetieth anniversary, Prince William has revealed some of the ways he enjoys spending his free time when he’s not doing any of the Royal duties he is subsidised to do.
“Puppies, you see, make the most delightful squeal of terror and pain as you pull their little legs off,” said the Prince, his eyes lighting up with joy at the prospect.
“And kicking old ladies up the arse, well, I mean who doesn’t enjoy that?”
He then became very serious.
“Except the Queen, of course, I would never kick the Queen up the arse because of the simply wonderful job she does.”
The Prince used the interview to list all the things he prefers to do rather than getting on with his royal duties.
“Hard-core pornography, laughing at unemployed people, being racist, putting bear-traps in the local woods, shouting, flaying my enemies and watching Columbo – I’ve got the whole boxset.”
He used the interview to address recent newspaper allegations of laziness.
“Fuck off,” he said.
The interview lasts for five minutes, but it is understood that the Prince will round that up to a full half day’s Royal Duties and claim a stipend from the BBC for having to look at Nicholas Witchell.