Dolmio sauces, whilst edible in a theoretical sense, will be formally reclassified as an industrial lubricant to prevent confusion, it has been announced today.
Mars is to encourage people to cut down on foods high in sugar and salt by adding ‘Not for human consumption’ labels to its products.
Salt levels in Dolmio pasta sauces are so high they are technically seawater, whilst tests showed sugar levels were high enough to give a bee type two diabetes.
Adverts will be changed to show someone in a diabetic coma with the caption ‘When’s your Dolmio day?’
To meet demands for clearer labelling, many products will be clearly marked ‘For external use only’ and ‘Eat at your own risk’.
The word ‘food’ will be changed to ‘”food'” on all packaging.
A spokesman for Mars foods insisted that Dolmio was perfectly healthy in moderation so long as people don’t exceed the serving suggestion, which is defined as having an atomic weight of 1.00794.
When asked why the company didn’t simply put less sugar and salt in foods, the spokesman looked confused and admitted that was a new one on him.