Ryanair to introduce standing-only flights

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Budget airline Ryanair is to introduce standing-only flights to combat a worrying rise in customer satisfaction.

Bosses at the airline are concerned passengers aren’t quite as miserable as their business model requires, and plans to ‘cram them in’ like London Underground do.

Premium upgrade passengers will not only be allowed to board first, but also be able to hire one of a limited number of folding garden chairs for £10.

Alternatively standing passengers will be able to hire a strap to hold on to during the flight for £1, with an additional £1 supplement if they want the strap to be attached to anything.

“London Underground are trailblazers in the field of cramming people in like sardines and charging them a fortune, and that’s very much a market we’re keen to increase our share of,” said airline spokesman Simon O’Williams.

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“By keeping customers in a state of semi-despair they’re willing to pay us for the slightest glimmer of sunlight in their lives.

“Speaking of which, we’re introducing a £1 charge for the slightest glimmer of sunlight in the plane cabin.”

By keeping customers cowed and despairing, airline bosses hope to reduce to zero the number of complaints they get for dumping you forty miles from where they said you’d be.

If the new initiative is successful, Ryanair plan to start charging a premium for flights with a with qualified pilot.