A victim of child abuse has finally stopped being a big baby about it after all these years, after being encouraged to do so by Stephen Fry.
Jennifer Coster was eight when she was touched by uncle Simon Williams in a “nasty place” that turned out not to be Middlesborough.
The now thirty-three year-old, unemployed drug addict, has been sat around feeling sorry for herself ever since.
Coster said, “I realise that the suicidal thoughts, guilt, depression and loneliness was just me being immature.
“I was in a dark place and began self-harming by watching back-to-back Michael Macintyre DVDs.”
Coster, a toothless smackhead, admits she was dressed inappropriately at the time of the assault and performing cartwheels didn’t exactly help.
Dirty Uncle Williams said, “Jenny was a little tease, who knew exactly what she was doing, and I’m glad she’s now being a grown-up about it.”
Experts now agree that self-pity is the most destructive part of child abuse and that Daddy is bound to act a bit strange now that Mummy has left.
Childline Advisor, Marie Stubbs, said, “We get a lot of calls from distressed children of the ‘poor me’ variety.
“I let them have a good cry first then tell them to ‘get a grip’.”
Stubbs added, “Show me a child abuse ‘victim’ and I’ll show you a spoilt brat that didn’t get an Xbox for Christmas.”