Vladimir Putin has no hidden accounts, says last surviving Panamanian lawyer

author avatar by 8 years ago

Less than 24 hours after a huge list of secret bank accounts was leaked from a Panamanian law firm, the last surviving partner has confirmed Vladimir Putin’s name was on the list entirely in error.

The leaked details included information about former Egyptian Prime Minister Hosni Mubarak, Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, and a ‘huge’ money laundering operation by Russian banks, all of which were included entirely by mistake.

“There are no secret accounts. Not one,” said a visibly pale and shaking Simonez Williamsio of Mossack Fonseca.

“I’ve no idea how those names came to be in the files. Possibly autocorrect changed the name of another client called, er…ah,  Wladermir Puchin, and nobody noticed.

“I’m glad to have cleared that up, and I just pray it’s in time.”

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A series of remarkable accidents has befallen the other partners of the firm in the last 24 hours, including being squashed by a falling piano, leaping out of their own upstairs window, succumbing to radiation poisoning whilst in the bath, being stabbed to death with a razor-sharp umbrella, and being strangled by a man with metal hands.

Skeptics have suggested that not all the deaths were accidental, but when contacted for comment they had mysteriously vanished.

Speaking from his gigantic palace on the shores of the Black Sea, Putin dismissed the suggestions.

“Any suggestion that I have been aware of financial impropriety is utterly ridiculous,” he said whilst helping himself to a generous scoop of caviar on a gold spoon.

“I accept the apologies of the partners of the company for mistakenly including my name, God rest them.

“Cognac, anyone?”