Unidentified bearded man hijacks Labour Party

author avatar by 8 years ago

Reports are coming in that an as yet unidentified bearded man has hijacked the Labour Party and is threatening to blow it up unless everyone does as he says.

Journalists embedded in the party indicate that he was smuggled in by supporters after security was relaxed, and has since told everyone to keep their distance or they’ll be deselected.

He has threatened to start picking off backbenchers one by one unless his demands are met in full and everyone converts to his extremist ideology.

Experts suggest that internal sniping against the hijackers has been met by threats and retaliatory briefings.

Early estimates indicate that dozens of MPs are being held hostage and are as yet too terrified to speak out or attempt to tackle the hijackers head on.

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Fellow-travellers are terrified by the threats, as the last time extremists seized control of the party they flew it into the ground at the next election and it took an entire generation to piece it back together.

Hostage negotiators are talking to the Labour Party in the hope of resolving the situation but the situation is described as ‘tense’.

“We tried telling them that Social Democracy is a working system that people will vote for,” we were told.

“But they just called us ‘Red Tories’ and told us to fuck off.”