Global panic as woman announces Facebook ‘Cull’

author avatar by 8 years ago

There has been worldwide panic after a woman announced she would be “unfriending” people on Facebook.

Leslie Thomas, 31, declared that she “just has too many friends I don’t speak to, so I’m going to remove some people. Nothing personal.”

“I don’t know what I’ll do if she defriends me,” blubbed a worried Simon Williams.

“I mean I only added her in the first place as she made a faintly amusing comment on a news story once; plus her tits.

“But since then I’ve grown accustomed to her passive-aggressive status updates, her tiresome Minion-themed memes and daily, mundane updates regarding her ugly children alongside the caption, ‘#feelingblessed’.

“She’s been such an inspiration, I just don’t know if I’ll be able to find someone exactly like her.”

Leslie said, “It’s a shame I’m having to do this, I know.”

“I mean, there’s no real need to do it; there’s absolutely no reason for a mass cull of people who haven’t offended me and whose friendship I clearly welcomed, and even less need to announce said cull and make those I “let go” feel a little worse about themselves for no good reason.

“But I’ve committed to it now, and once I say I’m going to do something, I do it.

“I might put that on a picture next to some mountains for my remaining friends.”