Church of England boost attendance by disguising churches as garden centres

The Church of England is to announce plans to boost dwindling attendance figures by disguising churches as garden centres.

Church leaders have taken the step after research highlighted positive adult responses to a wheelbarrow with flowers in it, an ornamental water feature and a sign saying ‘Cafe open’.

“Garden centres are like Legoland for the over 50s,” explained Reverend Simon Williams.

“Tests show that something as simple as a 20% discount on fence panels can almost quadruple the size of a congregation.”

Garden centres have responded angrily to the news and have accused the Church of conning the public.

“The Church are deliberately misleading the public with false promises, phoney offers and non-existent rewards,” said a spokesperson for the Association of UK Gardening Centres.

“As if all that wasn’t bad enough, they’re now pretending to be garden centres.”