New Work and Pensions Secretary Stephen Crabb is to introduce a new special benefit for people unable to grow a proper beard.
People will be able to claim the benefit if their beards are wispy, slight, annoying or stupid.
“Having a crap beard is a terrible curse in modern society,” said Mr Crabb, voice shaking with emotion.
“Every day thousands of men across the country face waking up and looking into the mirror to see a thin, peculiarly coloured or just plain pathetic beard on their face.
“I want these men to know that this government understands them and will help them.”
Mr Crabb has been a passionate advocate of the rights of men with crap beards throughout his political career.
“On a personal level, I hope that I can prove inspiration as I too have a crap beard, and yet despite this, I have managed to reach the dizzy heights of yes-man to George Osborne while he dismantles the welfare state.”
It is understood the benefit will be conditional on a ‘crap beard’ assessment by Atos.
Labour have been surprisingly supportive of the new benefit.
“Help for people with stupid or annoying beards?” said leader Jeremy Corbyn.
“Yes, I think I can definitely get behind that.”