Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has told reporters how excited he is about coming back to work this week as the government’s new Chief Bastard.
Iain Duncan Smith’s relentless kicking of the disabled and George Osborne’s wish to turn every school into a punishing workshop of lovely corporate goodness has seen Mr Hunt’s crusade against overworked carers of the sick go largely unnoticed of late.
The health secretary told us, “Clearly Iain Duncan Smith’s resignation has caused a few issues inside the party, but on the plus side I’ve ascended to the role of lead Government wankstain. I couldn’t be happier.”
It’s understood that the Health Secretary has kept his levels of public disdain artificially high by waiting until at the front of the tube barrier queue before fumbling for his Oyster Card and then immediately exiting because his ministerial car is outside and he doesn’t get the tube anyway.
Speaking from his local pub, where he’d ordered but then immediately left the bar to ensure he is “one of those pricks who force the barman into table service”, Mr Hunt continued “Even coming here I only got heckled 3 or 4 times, it’s ridiculous.”
Whilst impressed by George Osborne’s ability to gather headlines for being a total shit, Mr Hunt’s frustration is clear and he is set to hit back with a new set of progressive health policies as a result.
Two-hour weekly handwriting lessons for junior doctors so that he can actually read their hate mail are expected to be announced later this week, and this summer doctors will be encouraged to work outside when it’s warm so that patients can get more vitamin D.
Mr Hunt concluded, “I’m pretty sure that waiter fellow just put his balls in my pint.”