Willy Wonka identifies Donald Trump as missing Oompa-Loompa

author avatar by 8 years ago

Confectioner Willy Wonka has told his rogue Oompa-Loompa that enough is quite enough and it’s time to come home.

Wonka is said to have first noticed that one of his Oompa Loompas had gone missing when the Strawberry Whiffle-Whirl hadn’t been stirred to perfection, but initially assumed he had fled back to Loompaland, and it was only after an extensive search that he happened upon the Republican Convention where Trump was speaking.

“Stirring the Strawberry Whiffle-Whirl requires very small and delicate hands,” a spokesloompa told us, explaining one of Trumps most notable features.

“And without him the bubbles in the chocolicious nougat mix just get too big which makes it less perfect.”

After watching Trump speak, Wonka is reported to have mused whether one of the squirrels in the nut sorting room had actually made a pretty good call by chucking him before deciding it was his responsibility to clear up the mess.

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Trump had been leading his supporters in a singalong when Wonka made his intervention.

Oompa loompa trumpedy doo
I’ve got little puzzle for you
Oompa loompa trumpeda dee
If you want to win you’ll listen to me

If you don’t like things just say that they’re bad
It winds up the haters and drives them all mad
But it’s divisive, and stifles debate
And does fuck all to make us great

In retaliation, Wonka has been attacked by both Trump and Fox News on a variety of grounds, including employing a migrant workforce, contributing to the obesity epidemic, and provoking war with the peace loving and honest Vermicious Knids by piloting an unlicensed Great Glass Elevator into their airspace.