Stephen Crabb completes satanic blood oath to become new DWP secretary

author avatar by 7 years ago

Stephen Crabb has become the new work and pensions secretary after pledging a blood oath to Satan and his Conservative party values.

In behind closed doors ceremony in the bowels of Conservative Central Office, Crabb was draped in the blood-red robes of his work and pensions forebears and pledged to uphold Tory ideology, before dripping his own blood into the ‘book of ministers’.

He only became secretary once he had completed the necessary blood sacrifice, though this took some time to organise.

As one Conservative party insider explained, “It took a few hours to get him officially sworn in as we didn’t have any disabled unemployed virgins hanging around – Iain Duncan Smith caught us a little on the hop on that front.

“But once we found one, we had her up on the altar and a dagger was plunged through her heart so Stephen could get out and face the press.

“This role, amongst all the others in the cabinet, gives the widest possible opportunity to really punish the weak and infirm – to bring genuine suffering to millions of people.

“We’re sure he’ll do a wonderful job.”