The Irish are celebrating St Porcelain, the patron saint of hangovers, this morning.
The traditional method of marking St Porcelain’s day is to kneel before his shrine clutching your forehead and moaning ‘Oooooh, Jesus’.
Recognised as a day of repentance for past mistakes, it is usual to mark the day by ceremonially pledging “never to feckin’ do that again”.
Mortification of the soul is carried out by rereading all the texts you sent at half-past midnight last night, followed by a period of reflection, mourning and repentance which can last years.
St Porcelain was a 5th century figure who according to Irish legend would turn up the morning after St Patrick and tell him he’d been a fecking eejit.
Porcelain was beatified by Pope Jagerbomb the IX in 1422 after he was miraculously cured of a sore head the morning after he got his name.
The tradition of recognising St Porcelain’s day dates back to about eight hours after the invention of Poteen.
Across the world many are marking St Porcelain’s day by taking the day off work to give them plenty of time to engage in further prayer and reflection, and are wondering if they can get away with tomorrow as well.