New fizzy drink tax leads to black market ‘street’ Vimto

author avatar by 8 years ago

A tax on fizzy drinks announced in today’s budget has created a black market in cut-price street Vimto, we can reveal.

The new tax is expected to increase the price of sugary drinks, and organised crime gangs have already moved to fill demand from people craving a hit of the good stuff.

Coca-Cola, which has been used as a cleaning agent for porcelain for years due to the acid content, will be too expensive to use for that purpose any more, and people are already turning to drinking Toilet Duck instead as it’s cheaper and better for them.

Truck loads of cheap continental copies of popular drinks have been seized at Dover, although the ones containing Spanish Fanta were let through due to them being much nicer than they stuff they sell here.

Elsewhere reports are coming in of gangs bulk-buying drinks before the tax rise comes into effect to profiteer from desperate kids when summer arrives.

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Health watchdogs have warned of the dangers of buying street drinks after finding a shipment of home-brewed Tizer which had been cut with Red Diesel to make supplies go further.

“Perhaps most worryingly we found that Tizer with Diesel is a considerable improvement on the neat stuff,” we were told.

“It’s more palatable, smells better and there’s less of an aftertaste.”

Manufacturers of sugary drinks have protested the imposition, insisting that increasing costs will only drive consumers into the arms of backstreet ‘dirty’ drinks where people share their cans and there’s no guarantee of cleanliness.