HS2 will allow people to leave Birmingham more quickly than ever, pledges government

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The proposed HS2 railway will enable people to leave Birmingham at record speed, the government has pledged today.

Responding to reports the project will need new rails to sustain the great speeds required to reduce Birmingham to a vanishing dot on the horizon in the shortest possible time, a spokesman for HS2 issued assurances it would be well worth it.

Listing the benefits of the project the spokesman told listeners a tale of an exciting future where they’d be able to get the hell out of Birmingham and never, ever look back.

Birmingham residents are concerned by the amount of work required, but are hopeful they will be able to leave at speeds of up to 220mph within the decade.

The Midlands – or ‘Black Hole Country’ as they’re known – have a terrible gravity which has prevented people from leaving for centuries.

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A process called “Spaghettijunctionfication” means that once you start to approach the region you’re sucked in faster and faster to an endless plain of light industrial and retail parks, and then an infinite system ring-roads, flyovers and one-way streets mean escape is almost impossible – damning residents to a a purgatorial eternity.