Another Putin critic dies of ‘perfectly natural causes’

author avatar by 8 years ago

Another prominent critic of Vladimir Putin has died of totally natural causes, it has been reported today.

Mikhael Lesnin, once an aide to Vladimir Putin, was in Washington to cut a deal with the FBI and testify against former Kremlin colleagues before suddenly and entirely naturally dropping dead.

His death follows a string of misfortunes to befall people who say nasty things about Putin, which must be the unluckiest occupation on earth.

Russia Today, whose reporting is beloved by the sort of people the Daily Mail rejects as too batshit insane for them, reported that the cause of Mr Lesnin’s death was a heart attack but accidentally forgot to mention the severe blunt force trauma across his entire body which immediately preceded it.

“Blunt force trauma is natural causes for people who criticise dear, beloved President Putin”, said Russian spokesman Simonov Williamsovitch.

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“They’re so overcome with remorse that they beat themselves all over their bodies, often muffling their screams with pillows whilst they do so.

“Other natural causes include ingesting radioactive isotopes or deliberately and spitefully walking in the way of flying bullets to make the President look bad.”

Sources inside the Russian government have insisted that not all critics of the President die of natural causes, and that some simply turn out to be insane and are indefinitely locked up instead.