Chelmsford man Simon Williams has described the brief moment of complete spiritual fulfilment he found on upgrading his phone to the latest model.
“When I opened the box, it was like being enveloped in the arms of Jesus,” said Mr Williams of the moment his new phone arrived.
“The best way I can describe it is to say that when my son was born he reached out and took hold of my thumb and I felt a connection not only to him but to all humanity through the ages. It was incredible profound.
“But my son doesn’t have dual-band Wi-Fi capabilities or hyper-charge technology, so this was better.”
However, as with all moments of joy, it couldn’t last.
“No, it’s faded now. But for that one moment when I first plugged the phone in to charge for the first time, it was like my purpose on earth had been revealed to me, and I understood my place in the universe and it was beautiful.”
Mr Williams maintains that he feels no disappointment that the moment was fleeting.
“Oh no, I’ve experienced the most total and complete sense of fulfilment it’s possible for a man to have. It was a lifetime’s worth.
“I wonder when I can next upgrade.”