Republican front-runner Donald Trump has finally made a solid if bizarre policy announcement by revealing that he intends to make America great using both magic and shouting.
After his triumphs on Super-Tuesday he greeted supporters with a cheery – ‘Hey shitheads,’ and got straight down to business.
“You know what? The faggy, latino, liberal asswipe press, some of which I probably own, are always saying ‘Hey Don, you keep saying you’re going to make America great, how you going to do that?’ Well I’ll tell you – shouting.”
There was wild applause as he continued.
“I’m going to shout so loudly that ISIS will run back to their caves, that those career politicians who’ve made a career out of taking your dollars will have to get themselves a damn job, and that those women will get back in the kitchen where they belong.”
A combination of laughter and applause filled the room.
At this, there was a smattering of applause and some bemused looks.
“America has some of the greatest wizards in the world, and we’re going to use their powerful magic to make America the greatest country on the goddamn planet.”
A confused silence descended on the hall as supporters tried to work out if he was joking or not.
“I personally know a guy who made the Statue of Liberty disappear, so if he can do that he can magic up a load of low-paid jobs for everyone.”
A steady stream of supporters began to drift towards the exits.
“And I met that Harry Potter kid when he starred in Home Alone 2, so he’s going to help me a build a huge magic wall to keep everyone out.”
At this point, only die-hard supporters remained. Many with their heads in the hands, unable to bring themselves to look at the stage.
“U-S-A, U-S-A,” chanted Mr Trump as his advisers filed on to the stage to lead him away.