Cocaine priest congratulated for lack of kiddy fiddling

author avatar by 7 years ago

A priest who was filmed snorting cocaine and collecting Nazi memorabilia has been congratulated for not molesting any kids.

Vatican officials have hailed Fr Stephen Crossan as a shining example of what a priest can achieve if he focuses his urges away from young impressionable children.

As one Rome official told us, “Obviously we’d prefer our priests didn’t snort cocaine or collect Nazi memorabilia, but when you compare it to some of the other things his colleagues have been up to, he’s practically in line for a merit badge.

“This represents progress for the Catholic church, and I think we should be congratulated for it.

“I think if the Catholic Church was full of priests who were off their tits on drugs and merely had distasteful hobbies, we’d be a lot more relatable.

“If we’ve learned anything in the last ten years, it’s that people really don’t like the old child molestation stuff.

“Some of the younger guys see Fr Crossan as a bit of a hero, and he’s even been asked to present at a seminar here at the Vatican on strategies for not touching kids.”

“Oh, sorry, no, there definitely isn’t a seminar on not touching kids at the Vatican, and anyone who says there is, is lying.

“Just like all those kids.”