Screw it, let’s build another Death Star, says Galactic Empire

author avatar by 8 years ago

The Galactic Empire is to build another planet-sized superweapon because it’s bound to work out this time.

The Death Star Doctrine, as it is known, is a controversial one due to their immense cost, drain in manpower, and unfortunate tendency to burst like a dropped watermelon if someone so much as kicks one.

The Empire has acknowledged that orbital doomsday weapons have a somewhat checkered performance history, but this time they’ll building one that doesn’t get destroyed in, like, half an hour.

Reports from inside High Command indicate the decision is not unanimous, after someone got almost halfway through that quote about the definition of insanity being doing the same thing and expecting a different result before Kylo Ren ‘went all Han Solo on him’.

“The design flaws of previous Death Stars have been the subject of extensive studies and are now fully understood,” we were told.

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“This time there will be no torpedo-sized exhaust ports, ship-sized vents or defensive positions in hostile arboreal locations – and critical power junctions will be widely distributed and given triple redundancy.

“We’ll also be putting adequate railings on all rickety gantries overlooking bottomless pits and the central reactor.

“There will be no one to stop us this time.”

When asked what the gigantic red button marked ‘self destruct’ was for, the spokesman confirmed that was a Health and Safety feature and he doubted it was important.