by 
Sales of prawn cocktail crisps are holding steady at zero.
The oddly flavoured potato snacks have not sold at all since the mid-1980s when the cold prawn dish proved a popular choice of starter amongst hideous wankers.
“We’ve got 51 boxes of the fuckers,” sighed corner-shop owner, Simon Williams.
“Ideally I’d stop ordering them but if you want to try to decipher the crisp company’s automated telephone menu system then be my guest.
“I tried dropping them off at a homeless shelter once and they thought I was taking the piss and told me to get off their property, which seems an ironic statement in retrospect.
“Anyway, help yourself. Please.”
Crisp company owner, Elizabeth King, said “Gary Lineker really likes them, which is the only reason we still make them.
“He’s told us he will stop doing our adverts if we stop making them, and honestly we can’t think of anyone else who could stand there and grin at or near some crisps like he does.
“He is a truly, truly evil human being.”
