Chancellor George Osborne has warned that further cuts to public spending are needed to ensure he can maintain his expensive habit of allowing global multinationals to pay whatever tax they like.
With an economy growing more slowly than he’d hoped, the only way Osborne can continue letting companies like Google pay fractions of pennies on the pound in taxes is to cut public spending on people he doesn’t like very much.
Osborne told reporters, “I gotta have it man, I simply gotta give those guys the tax breaks they need, you know? I have to, I need it man.
“Nothing else matters but giving them all that lovely cash, you know? Nothing feels as good as making a rich company even richer.
“Don’t look at me like that, I’m an addict, I deserve your sympathy.”
Treasury spokesperson Simon Williams told us, “Yes, France are trying to get Google to pay $1.6 billion in back taxes, compared to our £130m, but how hard was their finance minister’s erection when he announced that deal?”
“I can confirm George was positively tumescent. If we’d got the deal below £100m I think he might have ejaculated right there in the room, but Google insisted it was getting embarrassing and they had to pay something.”
“Still, we’ve got Amazon and Starbucks to pay for next, so I hope none of those disabled people need a new wheelchair this year.”