John Lennon turd to fetch record price at auction

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An extremely rare and valuable chunk of faeces excreted by a member of the Beatles is to be auctioned next month.

Described as “a Holy Grail item”, the 9-inch length of cable was found languishing at the former home of John Lennon in an outside toilet.

The high-fibre, odourless log has a signature punctuated with sweetcorn, which band-mate Ringo Starr claims is consistent with Lennon’s diet at the time.

Music Industry expert, Simon Williams, said it could be seen as the big brown shark that ignited the Beatles career.

Fellow Beatle Paul McCartney said, “This piece of shit is in mint condition and I remember clearly that John spent a good deal of time crimping it off.

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“He emerged from the toilet red-faced mumbling ‘I’d give it ten minutes of I were you’.

“In fact it was one of many things that inspired me to form Wings.

“But that was yesterday.”

The auction is set to beat the previous record for Mersey-memorabilia of ten thousand pounds bid for a pool of vomit ejected by the lead singer of Echo and The Bunnymen.

McCartney said it would “fascinate Beatles collectors worldwide” and would “no doubt attract bids from those with nothing better to do.

Meanwhile Simon Cowell is set to offer the piece of shit a lucrative recording contract and a spot on his grubby talent show.

McCartney added, “I don’t care too much for money, but money can buy you shit.”