The first female Geordie astronaut has gone outside the International Space Station for a fag and didn’t need a fuckin’ coat.
Despite the ambient temperature of outer space being minus 270 degrees Celsius, Geordie lass Tracey Bell didn’t feel the need to wear more than a miniskirt, some long socks and a sparkly pink top from Primark and swore at a Russian Cosmonaut who suggested she might want a spacesuit or at least a fleece.
A spokesman for NASA explained that recruiting a Geordie lass as an astronaut had been a ‘mixed blessing’, as her ability to withstand temperatures cold enough to freeze Hydrogen with side effects no worse than goosepimples and some purple blotches on her legs was offset by her being no help whatsoever.
“The thing about absolute zero is that everything stops working, and we figured that everyone in Newcastle did that at much higher temperatures so it might work out,” he told us.
“Sadly, there was quite an important job a few days ago when on of the outside instruments broke and we sent Tracey out to take a quick look as she didn’t need a spacesuit, and when she came back she just said ‘It’s fooked’, which wasn’t a great deal of use.”
However, Tracey has earned the respect of the Cosmonauts on the station, or at least put the fear of God into them which amounts to much the same thing.
“Back home in Siberia we have the winters very cold”, explained Cosmonaut Simonov Williansovitch.
“Even our womenfolk do not go out without at least two layers, and they take coat off inside or they will not feel benefit.
“But Geordie lass is like Russian woman, only much, much more terrifying.”
When asked what she thought of outer space, Tracey is reported to have said that it’s “like Whitley Bay but with more fookin’ atmosphere”.