Scientists have crossed celery with cabbage and quinoa to create what dietitians are hailing as the least appetising health food yet.
The new food, to be marketed at healthy eaters under the brand name Bland!, is reported to be less than half as enjoyable to eat as salted porridge or that veggie pasta bake with broccoli your vegetarian friend insists on making.
Described as resembling soft, lumpy chunks of celery with the honk of cabbage, vegans are reported to be especially excited by the development and plan to tell all their friends about it, over and over and over again.
“The first step to eating healthily is to remove every ounce of pleasure from the dining experience,” dietitian Simon Williams told us.
“So we’ve worked hard to combine the blandness of celery, the smell of cabbage and, well, pretty much everything about quinoa to produce the perfect meal for people who aren’t quite miserable enough already.
“So if you’re looking to be incredibly self-satisfied about having no pleasures in your life, Bland! is the nutrient food substitute for you.”
Buoyed by their success, health food scientists now plan to cross sprouts, kale and tofu, which they believe will allow them to successfully compete in the ‘bacon and black pudding’ breakfast market.