HSBC are to keep their headquarters in London, shattering the dreams of millions of Londoners that their city might finally become free of banking arseholes.
The very real possibility of HSBC moving to Hong Kong had led to speculation that London could evolve into a city without pinstripe suits and the sort of prick who gloats about the performance of his ‘fund’.
An HSBC spokesperson explained, “No, we’re staying, tough shit.”
Londoner Simon Williams explained he was disappointed at the news, “Christ, I thought we were on the verge of something special, then those banking bastards change their minds.
“I thought they would start a wave of evacuations of fund, portfolio and asset managers headed to a new city to utterly ruin.
“This is literally the worst thing that has happened to me in a long, long time – and I’m a closet Villa fan.”
City work Travis Walden-Smythe told us, “A move to Hong Kong might have been fun, but I like being in London because I’m so much richer than pretty much everyone I meet.
“Shut up, I could buy your house ten times over, so why don’t you just fuck off you pauper.”