99.3% of population doesn’t give a shit what the Daily Express says

author avatar by 8 years ago

A shocking new survey of the British population has found that 99.3% of British population couldn’t give the tiniest of shits what the Daily Express says or does.

We asked everyone in the country if they read the Daily Express, and only 0.7% were willing to admit that they do, from time to time, open the paper and look at what’s inside.

Of those 0.7% willing to admit a passing interest in the things published inside the Express, most were easily mislead, prone to panic, and seemingly oblivious when they were being manipulated.

Reader Trevor Matthews told us, “I live in a perpetual state of fear, yes – but what choice do I have with immigrants and cancer and the snow?

“What would poor old Princess Diana have made of it? Hopefully the Express will tell me at some point.”

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The results have been published in the hope that most people will learn to ignore the dirge that appears on the Express front page almost daily.

Polling expert Simon Williams explained, “If you stand outside Old Trafford on a match day and ask 1,000 people coming out the Stretford End who the worst team in the world is, the results do not mean 99% of British people hate Liverpool.

“Yet the Daily Express seems to think their readers are ‘representative’ of Britain.

“Well, maybe they would be if everyone in the country was a borderline simpleton that wouldn’t know a nuanced argument if it punched them in face.

“But we’re not, thankfully.”