Tight-fisted Liverpool fans are once again bemoaning the price of a ticket at Anfield today after it was raised to a ‘slightly above inflation’ £7million per match.
“Calm down, calm down,” said Chief Executive Ian Ayre, without the slightest trace of irony, speaking from his home in Cloud Cuckoo Land.
“What people have got to understand is that we need to be able to sign a sub-standard, overrated, underperforming striker for each and every ticket that we sell.
“Otherwise, we won’t be able to keep up this club’s proud tradition of distinct mediocrity since the late 80s.”
Misunderstanding the concept of average wage completely, Ayre continued, “The average working wage in this country for a Premier League footballer is £2.3m per year, which my accountant assures me is in-line with the rest of the country as a whole.
“Who wouldn’t want to pump that back into a distinctly average football club seemingly trapped inside its own past glories?
“I have to deal with players here who literally can’t afford a fourth or fifth Ferrari, let alone a £12million country mansion with its own indoor and outdoor swimming pools.
“Our fans live in the relative luxury of having, or renting a house, and are most likely employed in some fashion.
“They’ve never known the hardship of having to send out one of your butlers for some… of that white stuff that they put in your tea. What is it again? Comes out of horses?”
Liverpool fans are planning a protest and will leave in the 7 millionth minute of this weekend’s match.