Police in Michigan are scrambling to join a new investigative task force after the state banned oral sex.
The new law, known as the ‘If I can’t have it nor can anyone else’ act was passed by the state legislature in a move one described as ‘the closest thing I’ve had to an erection since Ronald Reagan left office.’
Describing oral sex as a ‘unnatural crime against nature’, the bill could only have been drafted by people who’ve never had any.
in response to the passing of the bill, state police have been cancelling leave and queuing through the night in a bid to join a new undercover unit devoted to tracking down lawbreakers.
State Trooper Simon Williams, who asked not to be named, told us he was determined to track down the oral sex crime lords no matter how many seedy bars and nightclubs he had to visit, or how much overtime he had to run up.
“The good folk of Michigan need protecting from crime, in whatever form it might take,” he said.
“So listen up, you fellating ne’er-do-wells and scofflaws, if I catch you you’re going DOWN.
“Fingers crossed, anyway.”
Normal people in Michigan are reported to have told the state legislature they can stick the law up their arse, which as it turns out is also illegal.