‘I won it, I keep it. Now get out,’ Trump tells New Hampshire residents

author avatar by 8 years ago

Republican presidential candidate and experimental hair pioneer Donald Trump won the New Hampshire primary last night but seemed to be under the impression that by winning the state, he got to keep it.

“Goddamn, I love New Hampshire, how much do I love Hampshire,” declared the living embodiment of nominative determinism Mr Trump at his victory rally

“Now I just need to clear everyone out, build a big wall round it and I can turn Lake Winnipesaukee into a foot spa, and Mount Washington into a hat stand.”

Mr Trump has been the surprise package of the 2016 primaries with a wide variety wacky policy ideas such as building a wall across the Mexican border, the reintroduction of slavery, banning Muslims, banning wasps, ‘kicking ISIS’ ass’, and changing the name of the country to the ‘United States of Trump.’

New Hampshire marks Mr Trump’s first political triumph and comes after he lost the Iowa caucus to rival Ted Cruz and had a big tantrum, calling Ted Cruz ‘Ted Crap-ooze, more like,’ and threatening to hold his breath until he won something.

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His campaign manager quickly corrected Mr Trump’s misapprehension about keeping New Hampshire.

“Well, that’s a shame, it’s a goddamn beautiful state.”

But then realisation dawned.

“So, wait. If I win the election for the US, I don’t get to keep it?”