Experts in Internetology have identified many exciting new ways for users to take personal offence, they have announced today.
It had long been thought that years of experimentation meant that every single possible cause of offense had been identified, but the Internet has thrown up many unexpected new variations of Insultius Gratuitous – a highly sensitive species commonly found in comments threads and blogging for The Guardian.
“It’s evolutionary,” said Dr. Simon Williams of the Institute of Offendology.
“Without being in a perpetual state of outrage it’s likely that some Internet users would simply become extinct. They feed upon being affronted.
“The Internet is an environment which requires constant adaptation to maintain what we scientifically refer to as ‘Butthurtism’, and so ever-new adaptations to make inoffensive statements grounds for a complete meltdown are needed.
“For example, there’s Satiri-outragitis. That’s when someone actively follows a satirical feed on Facebook and then gets really fucking angry about everything it says.
“You’d be surprised how common that one is.”
Other new mechanisms for taking offence include Outrage by Proxy, when a user takes offence on behalf of someone who isn’t that fussed, Distorto-Furiosa, which is when someone has to completely misinterpret what you said in order to throw an utter wobbler, and Munchausen’s Infuration, which is when they just flat-out make something up to be hurt by.
The Institute of Offendology has confidently predicted that someone will immediately find a reason to be offended by their research and will then take to social media to let everyone know just how angry about it they are.