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The half-life of any Labour nuclear policy now is less than 24 hours, making it extremely unstable and reactive, scientists have warned.
The rate of decay means that less than 3% of any policy will remain at the end of the week, the rest having been emitted as random statements and contradictory off the record briefings.
The increase in instability is being attributed to the introduction of a highly volatile new element called Thornberyllium.
“The problem with Thornberyllium is that it’s a free radical which only weakly reacts with anything and never forms a stable bond,” said Gordon Freeman of the Atomic Weapons Establishment.
“If you place members of the shadow cabinet together and put them under pressure then you’re going to get a heck of a bang sooner or later, that’s basic physics.
“That could have all kinds of unforeseen consequences.”
Labour Party spokesman Simon Williams rejected the claims that their policy was subject to decay.
“That’s quite a negative charge,” we were told.
“The only thing halving every 24 hours is Jeremy Corbyn’s approval ratings.”
