Regular masturbation is key to happiness amongst middle-aged, says expert

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The key to combatting depression amongst the middle-aged is frequent and enthusiastic masturbation, according to one expert.

“I would recommend that all adults between the ages of 45 and 65 knock one out at least once a day,” said Simon Williams, Professor of behavioural science at the London School of Economics.

“Going outside, spending time with friends and listening to music are all fine, they certainly won’t hurt, but none of these activities can replace a huge wank for a real boost to your well-being.”

Professor Williams’ advice comes in the wake of a recent report’s claims that people are at their unhappiest between the ages of 45 and 59, often as a result of stress at work.

“I would suggest that if you find yourself in a particularly fraught meeting at work then five minutes of frantic masturbation can bring a psychological resolution that can really calm the mind.

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“Of course, you may need to leave the meeting room first.”

Vicar Mary Stanford is in her fifties and agrees wholeheartedly.

“Oh yes, masturbation certainly lifts my mood on a daily basis,” she said.

“If ever I catch myself starting to feel a little gloomy, then I discretely repair to the disabled toilet, have a jolly good think about Phillip Schofield and do what comes naturally.”

There also seems to be evidence that Professor Williams’ advice has already been adopted in the House of Commons with most politicians already massive wankers.