Heavy metal fans have formed a protective circle round the ill Ozzy Osbourne and told Death not to try anything funny.
Osbourne was reported unwell last night after several shows on Black Sabbath’s farewell tour were cancelled, leading music lovers to take immediate action.
Death normally has a solid following in the metal community, but his recent output has led to fans saying he’s lost his way and boycotting his performances.
Death, currently in discussions to take part in a Wyld Stallyns reunion tour, insists he has no plans regarding Osbourne, and doubts he’d get very far even if he did.
“LOOK, I’LL MAKE YOU A LIST,” said Death.
“HE TOOK LSD EVERY DAY FOR SIX MONTHS. HE SNORTED LIVE ANTS. HE URINATED ON THE ALAMO IN FRONT OF AN ARMED POLICEMAN WHILST WEARING A DRESS.
“ANY ONE OF THOSE THINGS WOULD KILL, WELL, ANY OF YOU LIGHTWEIGHTS.
“IF THERE’S ONE THING I’M CERTAIN OF”, said Death, “ITS GONNA TAKE MORE THAN ME TO KILL OZZY FUCKING OSBOURNE.”
After promising to lay off Ozzy Osbourne, Death continued by offering to take Phil Anselmo off our hands before he says anything else stupid.