Dr. Gillian McKeith, or to use her full academic title, Gillian McKeith, has entered the Big Brother house to investigate the quality of shit being produced.
The former TV personality is expected to poke the programme several times with a pencil before declaring it substandard.
She will then put the contestants on a diet she has designed herself, which is intended to boost both the volume and quality of the crap being produced.
Darren Day is reported to be ‘especially looking forward’ to her arrival, for reasons he appears reluctant to talk about.
McKeith was a regular fixture on health programmes some years ago until everyone suddenly noticed she wasn’t actually a doctor but in fact a poo-fixated weirdo.
“Bringing Gillian McKeith into Big Brother underlines Channel Five’s commitment to producing the most astonishing crap possible,” a spokesman for the broadcaster told us.
“As she says, the perfect poo is very similar to the perfect Big Brother contestant this year; thick, chunky, and you won’t miss it once it’s gone.
“Actually, that’s every year now I come to think of it.”