Worcester is to become known as the nation’s centre of honesty and integrity after absolutely everyone who lives there claimed they were the real owner of a lost lottery ticket.
With £33m up for grabs, residents of the midlands town have taken no time whatsoever to display their morality and incorruptibility by insisting they are the real owner of the misplaced ticket.
Lottery organisers Camelot explained that so far they had received 100,842 claims to the winning ticket.
“I am the real winner,” explained Worcester resident Simon Williams.
“It’s just that the dog ate it, or it was destroyed in the wash, or my missus threw it out. One of those definitely.
“Can you make the cheque out to ‘cash’?”
Others have pointed out that the evidence of them being the rightful winner is overwhelming.
Deborah Smith told us, “The ticket was sold in a Worcester newsagent, and I go to a newsagent in Worcester two or three times a week. What are the chances of that?”
“So obviously the lost ticket was bought by me on a day I can’t specifically remember at a newsagent that escapes me for a moment and was left somewhere I’ve accidentally forgotten.”
“Fuck you, pay me.”
Visitors to Worcester have been warned to keep all valuables hidden and to check for rings and watches if you happen to shake hands with any resident.