Whatever it was we didn’t do it, says Kremlin

author avatar by 8 years ago

The Kremlin has issued a statement denying absolutely everything today.

After months of denying murdering Alexander Litvenenko, bombing anti-Assad forces in Syria, embezzling billions in state funds, ringing Elton John, covertly funding Greek anti-Euro factions and invading the Ukraine, Russia has resorted to issuing a blanket statement saying “Not us, squire.”

When presented with evidence supporting the allegations, a Kremlin spokesman simply gave a low, disbelieving whistle and said “Blimey, that’s well out of order, who could have done that?”

“When you catch them, be sure to let us know,” he added.

“It can’t have been us as we were over there not killing those kittens at the time”.

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Sources close to Vladimir Putin hope this will save a lot of time which is currently wasted having to deny everything on a case-by-case basis.

Professor Simon Williams of the Institute of Russia Has Done What Now studies told us “Russia has extensive experience in denials, and so you’d expect this latest blanket repudiation of anything and everything to be as compelling and believable as all the others.

“i.e. not very.

“By denying everything ahead of time, The Kremlin is now free to just get on with whatever the fuck it feels like doing.”