Children in the UK are more likely to view shit television programmes online than on TV, according to a survey into the media habits of under-16s.
With ownership of tablets up by 50% compared with last year, it is no longer necessary for children to sit in the same room as other humans or their parents.
On average, children spend three hours per day online and 2.1 hours watching TV, with the remainder of their time spent tutting, texting shit about nothing and tutting.
The survey also revealed boys had a preference for watching sport, such as footballers complaining, while girls preferred reality shows like I’m a Big Geordie.
“Children go online to pretend they’re researching their homework,” revealed research director Simon Williams.
“However, the majority of their online activity consists of watching videos of people falling off or into things.
“To my knowledge neither of those activities form part of the school curriculum.”
The study also suggests that a shrinking number of young people listen to shit music via a CD player, with mobile phones now the leading medium for soulless bollocks.
Mr Williams said: “Turn that bloody racket down, I can’t hear myself think down ‘ere!
“Sorry. I never behaved like that when I was their age.”