An Australian man has won the Chuck Norris Award for Machismo after milking a goddamn spider.
Simon Williams took one look at the deadly funnel-web spider before diving in with both hands without so much as donning a pair of rubber gloves.
“Piece of piss, mate” said Williams, licking the raw venom from his fingers.
“Once you get hold of it firmly by the teat, then that little blighter’s going nowhere; much like my wife in that regard, along with its poisonous nature of course.
“Anyway, a spider is smaller than a cow when you think about it, so I don’t see why it’s that scary. The rest of you need to nut up, I reckon.”
The award marks the 38th consecutive year of victory for Australia, following last year’s award going to a surfer who decked a shark in the mouth.
“Yeah, but who HASN’T punched a shark?” scoffed Williams, pausing to grab a snake from the scorched earth and bite its head clean off.