The leader of the UK rocked up to a cabinet meeting pissed as a newt this morning, in the hope the public would find it hilarious.
The self-styled Prime Minister burst through the doors of the cabinet room with a traffic cone on his head, wearing the same clothes he had on the night before.
“He slurred something about him being ‘just like those wankers on thish morning’, I think,” confirmed Security Guard, Simon Williams.
“Then he walked around the table high-fiving everyone except George Osborne, who he kissed on the mouth.
“I’m not really sure the whole thing wasn’t staged; I’ve never seen a traffic cone with a chin-strap before.”
A Downing Street spokesperson confirmed “yes, ‘Big Dave’ was indeed ‘having it large’ last night, or whatever it is you scum call it.”
“He was drunk last night and he was drunk this morning just like your heroes on the telly box and, I imagine, just like most of you on a typical Wednesday.
“He will accept your love in the form of a cheque.”
Jeremy Corbyn has attempted a similar publicity stunt this morning, having turned up to a union meeting absolutely tripping his tits off from a vegetable smoothie.