We were trying to turn Litvinenko into Spiderman, claims Russia unconvincingly

author avatar by 8 years ago

Russian agents accused of giving dissident Alexander Litvinenko radiation poisoning have unconvincingly claimed they were trying to turn him into Spiderman.

The anti-Putin activist died after ingesting polonium, which Russian intelligence insists was just an attempt to give him superpowers and not a cold-blooded murder at all.

By slipping the isotope into his drink they were seeking to give him ‘incredible, tea-like powers’ and the whole thing was an innocent accident gone horribly wrong.

“Is he strong, listen bud, he’s got radioactive blood,” said Vladimir Putin in a statement.

“It is in the song. How were we to know it wouldn’t work?

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“Believe me, because I’m not lying squire. If I had my way I would truly have him swinging from building to building in St Petersburg fighting Doctor Octopus.

“Nobody is sorrier than me that this man who did so much to expose corruption in my government is no longer with us to keep doing it.”

Russian intelligence has claimed many of its efforts are entirely good-natured attempts to create superheroes, including murdering dissident’s parents in an attempt to create Batman, and locking people in solitary confinement for twenty years without trial to create Bane.