The Grim Reaper is reporting record productivity after taking part in the ‘dry January’ event.
The annual alcohol-free event is promoted as a means for people to feel healthier and get more out of life, although in Death’s case he’s getting the life out of more.
According to reports, Death is ‘way ahead’ of targets in his job and is already making inroads into scheduled snuffing out of mortal candles years in advance.
“I FEEL BETTER THAN I HAVE IN YEARS,” Death told us after we summoned him via the Rite of Ashkente.
“IN MY JOB YOU SEE A LOT OF TERRIBLE THINGS, AND AFTER A LONG DAY IT REALLY HELPS TO HAVE A GOOD, STIFF DRINK OR TWO AS IT HELPS TAKE THAT ALL AWAY.
“DRY JANUARY HAS BEEN A REVELATION. I’VE GOT SO MUCH MORE DONE. REALLY, THANKS TO ME LAYING OFF THE SAUCE THEY’RE DROPPING LIKE FLIES.
“AT THIS RATE I’LL BE SO FAR AHEAD OF SCHEDULE I’LL BE ABLE TO TAKE 2017 OFF ENTIRELY.”
One glimmer of hope is that Death will stumble upon the huge crate of Jack Daniels Lemmy took to the afterlife and end up in a puddle of his own sick under a table for a few months.