Leonardo Dicaprio has begun his yearly dust-off of the trophy cabinet where his Oscar might go.
The cabinet was first purchased in 1994, when a naively optimistic Dicaprio was nominated for his performance in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?”
“And it’s been a sad sight ever since,” said Dicaprio’s housekeeper, Simon Williams.
“Every year, the nominations come around, and every year he comes home empty-handed to throw raw eggs at the trophy cabinet.
“Then we sit and watch Titanic on a loop until he cries himself to sleep in my arms. It usually takes around nine hours, which allows us to watch Titanic twice.
“I’d rather avoid it this year so I’m hoping getting raped by a bear is enough to sway the judges.
“I dread to think the lengths he will go to in his next movie if it isn’t. He’ll probably wind up doing a sex scene with Jon Goodman.”
Dicaprio has proven himself one of Hollywood’s greatest actors; consistently fooling the world into thinking he’s a graceful loser.
“Yeah, he’s dying inside,” confirmed Williams.