MPs to vote on making Bowie’s ‘Heroes’ English national anthem

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MPs are to vote today on making David Bowie’s ‘heroes’ a separate English national anthem.

A proposal to introduce a distinct anthem for the England team to be played at sporting events was introduced after it was pointed out that Scotland and Wales use “Flower of Scotland” and “Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau” respectively.

Suggestions for a tune include “Land of Hope and Glory” and “Jerusalem”, but experts have concluded that “Heroes” would completely pwn any other song and put England at an immediate advantage in any fixture.

Sporting experts have pointed out that most national anthems are fairly dispiriting dirges and singing them will inevitably leave players underperforming.

“Can you imagine other nations being able to play a halfway decent game of rugby or cricket or football after having everyone sing along to Heroes when their opposition showed up?” asked constitutional expert Simon Williams.

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“Jesus, they might as well just leave and save everyone the trouble of having the game at all.”

Although the idea of an distinct anthem has support in some quarters, wiser heads have pointed out that vociferous nationalism is an ugly philosophy which never tends to work out well.