The nation is to seek counselling after being unable to avoid visualising Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall having sex.
The couple, who announced their engagement through the classifieds in The Times this morning, are reported to be “very much in love” and “at it like teenagers”, which has led to wails of inconsolable despair from anyone who has thought about what that actually means.
Hall, who was formerly married to Mick Jagger, is reported to have a bit of a thing for men who look like the back of an old armchair.
“When I think about having sex with the nearly-dead, I like to imagine that bit with the sexy ghost in Ghostbusters,” said mentally scarred Simon Williams.
“Not the unholy matings of Freddy Krueger and Montgomery Burns.
“It would probably be accompanied by a noise like a skeleton wanking into a biscuit tin,” he added with a shudder.
The relationship is understood to have put a spring in Murdoch’s step and made him feel half his age, so that’ll be 113.