The sweet bliss of drinking completely outweighs health risks, reports confirm

author avatar by 7 years ago

The sheer joy of getting plastered ‘massively outweighs’ any health risks, according to a government report published today.

The new guidelines contradict previous suggestions by claiming that drinking alcohol is never healthy, which researchers say ‘completely missed the point of drink in the first place.’

Responding to studies showing that no amount of alcohol is healthy, drinkers have confirmed that’s not actually why they do it, and recommendations that people drink no more than 14 units a week have been met with counter suggestions that researchers try getting out more.

“There are many benefits to heavy drinking,” said heavy drinker Simon Williams.

“Such as me not going postal and murdering my boss. That’s a clear health benefit to him.

“And if other people get drunk too that increases the chance of me finding someone willing to have sex with me.

“I live in Kettering, for Christs sake. You should be congratulating me for not being on crack rather than nagging because I like a few pints now and then.”

New parents have also confirmed that a glass of wine or two in the evening makes the joy of a baby just about bearable.

The British public say they can just about accept that alcohol isn’t a health food, but any suggestion they cut down on bacon will be me with armed revolt.