Health risks of alcohol to include being beaten unconscious by drunks

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Tough new guidelines issued on alcohol have recommended avoiding town centres completely on Friday and Saturday nights.

The UK’s chief medical officers say research shows that alcohol can considerably increase the risk of being confronted by a bare-chested lunatic going apeshit outside a kebab shop.

There is also evidence to suggest the sort of binge drinking associated with stag and hen parties can cause pitched-battles between cowboys, comic book superheroes and the Pink Ladies from Grease.

The health effects of alcohol are causing a huge strain on A&E departments as doctors report an increase in the number of alcohol-related ailments ranging from alcohol poisoning to getting into a fight with a statue of Les Dawson.

England’s Chief Medical Officer, Dame Sally Davies, said: “Violence between stag and hen parties in fancy dress can flare up as a result of excessive drinking.

“Friday and Saturday nights in many towns resemble a cross between Gangs of New York and It’s A Knockout.

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“The streets are literally running red.

“Although this is mainly watermelon Bacardi Breezer and WKD.”